This installment of On-line Dating Tales is dedicated to Neenee because I told her a long time ago that I’d share this guy’s freaky e-mail with her.


For those of you who need to catch up, check out Part 1 and Part 2.

…so, the waiter had just delivered another margarita and I decided to stay and finish it even though I wanted to run for my life after the gay wannabe mobster told me that he used to be a heroin addict.

At that point, I just tuned him out. He had already done most of the talking anyway, and my only contributions so far had been to interject with grunts such as, “uh huh,” “oh,” “really…” etc. And he just went on and on and on. I was drinking my margarita and hearing, “Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah…” from him. Then more, “Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.” Then, “Blah blah blah sales job blah blah blah client blah blah blah commission blah blah blah blah blah and my boss told me that he’d hand over the branch’s largest client to me if I slept with him.” NYM’s ears perk to attention!

I fell back into the conversation without missing a beat and responded with, “So did you?”

He bowed his head a bit and put his chin into his shoulder feigning some kind of sheepishness and he said, in a high-pitched voice, ”I let him touch me and stuff…”

CHECK PLEASE!

I’d had enough at that point. This was just too creepy, and I’d started scanning the restaurant for Candid Camera people. It had to have been some kind of joke. First he talks about mobsters, then a heroin addiction and hookers, and then he’s telling me about some homosexual experience at work? Ummmm, sure.

The check finally came and he paid with a credit card. We walked out of the restaurant and the waiter chased us down onto the sidewalk. He had ”forgotten” to sign the receipt. Uh huh…

He tried to insist on walking me home, but I refused. After politely taking leave of him I ducked into the Duane Reade on the corner of 86th & 1st for an hour. Just to be on the safe side.

The next day I found the following f*cked up, deranged, delusional (yet comical) e-mail message from him in my inbox. Here it is in all of its original glory including his typos:

How are you? Getting to meet you was an awsome experience for me. My cheeks hurt all night from smiling. I still dont think im the right guy for you but im yours anytime you need someone to someone to kick around(lol) I really did have fun and I tottally cant believe how much I miss-read your intentions. I thought that I was the flavor of the evening before we went to dinner and you definetely arent like that at all. Unless I just repulsed you so much that You couldnt stand me. But I didnt really think that. -OK- so are you ready to laugh? Ill give you my theories(lol)- but you better not be taking this too seriously. I just thought that you would think it was funny after putting up with my analytical thinking all night.(lol) you better laugh --so OK-- here it is--- I think that you really liked me as a person and as a friend. maybe not romantically but I think If you didnt like me at all then maybe I would have been a flavor of the night.(this is why)(lol)- are you laughi ng with me here?--- I must be completely different from your ex-boyfriend because you were just so sweet and respectful towards me. being that we already know that you are angry with men-in some capacity,(misplaced agression is very common)and you didnt feel any need to lay any of it upon me- means that you truely felt comfortable and liked being with me- so there it is- Are you laughing your ass off? Now the two holes in my theory are as follows. One-you may have just been tottaly repulsed or two- maybe you are truely an extremely responsible person when it comes to taking care of yourself. I can live with any of these things. I can always just convince myself that your a lesbian(lol) thats what guys usually do. ok-so there you have it and my diet pill is starting to wear off now- so im gonna go to bed. But the bottom line is that i think you are awsome- i worship you- and secretly wish that i was you(lol) :) good day to you!!!! bye sweetness..... love jj

Yes it’s for real!!!!! I mean, where did he come up with this sh*t???

Posted by NYM at 9:35 PM
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